HUBAD.COM

isabelle.mustdie

I analyzed too much today and questions ran through my head which concerns what I want in life.

I realized, I never wanted material things or a nice paying job. All I ever wanted was a small house, a job that will sustain the needs and a tranquil life - nothing more.

When i had money in hand, I kept wanting more.

When i had two jobs, I didn't any time for anything else. I just kept working and working until such a time, I became workaholic - All I wanted to do was to work; I didn't want to waste a single minute of my life because time meant money.

Now, I'm back to schooling, trying to become a dentist, a doctor, but i never really wanted myself to be one. Just because I've started this course already, might as well get done with it or shift to another course yet again (goodness for the 3rd time around - i do not think so). I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe, at the outset, I can throw the blame at my parents for being too pushy, for having too much expectations on their kids, on me specifically. But for the most part, the major decision of pushing thru the course and get into the actual grad program was on me. I stopped working, packed my bags and zoomed myself back to Manila to finish schooling - thinking it was for the better. God, what was I thinking? I had a great... no, a good life back when I was Vegas. I was contented with what I had then. I was worry free. I was a free soul. I made the wrong move, I opted for the wrong decision because of wrong reasons. I realized only today that these reasons were selfish reasons. I am ashamed to admit I am a greedy, selfish, self-centered person. I really am.

isabelle.mustdie

Dear Mommy,
I can't believe I had that kind of conversation again with you, wherein I blabber, yeah, and then you are just facing the laptop screen without even bothering looking at me and try to look as if you are listening. I don't know what exactly hooks you up everytime you use your computer but seriously, tomorrow is monday and i don't have much time left before classes start. And by the time classes start, i shall be in this prison once again where i cannot freely do whatever i want as i am hindered by the monstrous assignments and reading materials i am supposed to finish in such a short span of time.

okay. i want to let you know how i hate the feeling of being ignored, not to mention, i really really really hate it when i am being promised to and then nothing happens and then you tell me we'll just do vacay some other time.

damn.
i can't believe i am talking to my blog and not to you.

damn.
i can't believe i can't even talk to you coz i'll be hearing the same crap.

damn.
why am i here again????

isabelle.mustdie

You see, I am a very very kind person. But, like many others I can be that bad individual you don't want to encounter with. So please, don't take advantage of me. Not because I look weak, or I seem to be the kind of person who won't step up for I believe in, then you are wrong. I am the kind of person who can shout at you in the middle of the crowd and tell you how wrong you are. And don't even go there coz I just did that already to a few people. I can be good. I can be bad - to the point of erasing you even if you are in sight.

isabelle.mustdie

but i really don't care whether i am lonely or not. I stumbled upon this interesting quote:

It takes a lot of frogs to meet your prince. - Angela Custodio

isabelle.mustdie

Microscopic Anatomy was the only class I was interested in during my first semester in Grad School. I opened the student portal [where students can view their grades and whatnot] and saw a flat one. Man, I am proud of myself.

isabelle.mustdie

Clearly I do not know.
What I am certain now is that all I ever think about is retaliation. Retaliate and do what I used to do. Fly back to vegas and enjoy life. I miss vegas. I miss my sister. I miss kim and I miss the past. And No, that is not little over the top. Its just the truth.

I hate home.

I am disgusted with myself because I obviously do not want to hurt mum and dad. I do not want break my mom's heart nor do I want to embarass any of them by flying back to vegas without letting them know and conive with my sister and go back to work. but you see, its so hard to adjust at the moment. Well, i can't seem to adjust. its different. its very different from before now. i am not the isabelle my mom used to know. i am a different isabelle. what is left in me is just patience. but how long will i last?

isabelle.mustdie

Upon waking up, I realized. . . I was able to bring back my soul back home, but I left my heart in my second home.

I certainly am a lonlely person.

I messaged my dad as soon as he left. Well, I've been nostalgic for days now and I really, really do not know why. Perhaps, I miss what I do back in Vegas - working, sleeping the whole during day offs. . . just by my self. I couldn't care less I am by myself. I was happy.